What I've learned about gangsters (By Ryan)

After working for the past three years with gangsters from the fine inner city of St. Louis, I'm pretty sure that I am like an honorary gangster or something.  (I'm also pursuing a side career as a professional rapper now.  I'm pretty freakin awesome.  Like Eminem from the Bible belt.)  Not only does being an honorary gangster give you street credibility, but it is also a great addition to any resume. 

So there are things that I've learned about gangsters, and being a gangster that I never knew before.  I would  like to share them with you so that you too may get an idea of what it is like being GANGSTA.  Keep in mind that this understanding of gangster has been gleaned from within the walls of an institutional setting so they may not necessarily reflect the true nature of a gangster who is free and on the street. 

Here are the top ten things I've learned about gangsters.  In no particular order:

1.  Gangsters really like you if you bring them food.  They are like dogs in this way.  Many of them call each other "dog" so this makes sense. 

2. Gangsters will get into fights with each other, literally punching, biting, etc..., over conversations that start about who has the longest hair.  (Very shocking.  And yes, if they don't have a gun they will bite.)

3.  Gangsters don't really think it's funny if you ask them, "If your Dad is a Blood and your Mom is a Crip does that make you a Crud or a Blip?"

4.  Gangsters will threaten to kill you if they are having a bad day because you casually mention their mother or their hood.  Mention, like, "How is your mother doing?"  and a gangster may reply (while grabbing the neck of your shirt), "What did you say about my mom you bleepity bleeping bleeper?!  I'll bleepity kill you bleeper!".  If this happens to you just keep smiling and mention that you have a good lawyer.  This usually works.

5.  Gangsters love to have pictures taken of themselves posing in all sorts of interesting ways.  Squatting.  Squatting with hand on mouth.  Squatting with hand on crotch.  Squatting while throwing up gang signs and pumping their fists. 

6.  Gangsters love gangster rap.  You know that what you are listening to is gangster rap if every song contains the "F-word" more times than all of the other words put together. 

7.  Some Gangsters still believe in Jesus.  They just believe that He is ok with them wanting to kill other people who disrespect them or pose a threat to their family or friends.  They may even pray and read the Bible everyday.  The gangsters who still believe in Jesus are all nicer than the ones who don't.  The ones who don't seem to want to just kill everybody. 

8.  Gangsters like to "jone" on each other...  Which means make fun of each other.  This usually leads to fights when one gangster takes his "joning" too far.  It's usually pretty hilarious before the fighting begins.  Most gangsters are very quick witted and great at impersonating the idiosyncrasies of others. 

9.  Gangsters really like money, sex, and violence.  These are their three favorite things.  This probably isn't new information to any one.  The gangster rap gives this secret away. 

10.  Gangsters seem to respect and respond to two things:  Integrity and insanity.  If you have to be around gangsters try to be a combination of these.  If they think that you are crazy but that you still love them they probably won't hurt you...  Probably...  So don't let your guard down too much.

That's my list of 10 things I learned about gangsters.  Feel free to forward it to Letterman.  Hope you learned something.  In summary:  Gangsters can be really nice people.  They are usually smart and funny.  You just don't want to be around when the "GANGSTA" in them comes out. 

Peace!